To swim or sink?

I am right now the most emotionally stable that I have ever been in all my adult life. Or am I emotionally dead? I don’t know, and so I don’t know if I should be happy at my calm or try to break out of it.

I realized this strange change within myself about a month ago. I was driving home from the airport after a business trip, and there was a lot of rain and fog on the highway. Visibility was down, and roads were slick. I was fully alert and trying to drive as carefully as possible. But I was still going on pretty fast and fearlessly. It did not occur to me to be afraid or get into the slower lanes. But then again, I have never been faint of heart.

But this is the weird part. At a point, I had to brake hard as traffic on the highway abruptly ground to a halt. And for a second, I was not sure if I would be able to stop completely or would end up colliding with the car in front of me. And I remember that second perfectly. I was completely calm, as if contemplating the skies on a clear and sunny day. “Hmm I think I am going to ram into this car here”. My pulse did not quicken, I didn’t say a prayer, and I did not even worry. I was like ho hum, I guess I will have an accident. And then the car did stop an inch short of a catastrophe. And I was like oh ok, so I am not going to have an accident. No adrenaline, no rush, no cold sweat. Nothing. Nada.

After that, I analyzed myself pretty harshly. I know that I do not have a death-wish. Despite the tough year I have had, I am not ready to call it quits! Not by a long shot.

So what is this unprecedented sense of calm I seem to have developed? I wish I could say that I have grown fearless with age and experience, but that is far from the truth. My fear of relationships and people has definitely gone up several notches.

So what is this really? Nothing seems to ruffle me anymore. I hope I haven’t stopped caring about things altogether. But then again – isn’t it better to be like this? Insulated from all things good or bad.

The only analogy I could come up with was this…

When we buy a car, all new and shiny as bright penny, we drive it with so much care. We worry endlessly that we might get a dent or a nick or a scratch on it. Oh how much we care! And we worry, and we fear…

But then if one day we have an accident, then the deed is done and the car is dented. It is the first dent that hurts the most, and then there is no more fear.

I guess when you hit rock-bottom in life; there is always the consolation that you cannot sink any lower. And maybe sitting there on the sea-bed, you experience a sense of calm. I guess the question really is then whether you are going to continue to sit there all calm and well… uncaring. Or, are you going to get up and decide to swim again, even if it means fighting the current.

I really don’t know what I will do. On the one hand - it really is tempting to be in this zone and not have to worry about anything affecting me. Especially since I know how much it hurts when you give your dreams a chance, only to have them smashed into pieces.

But on the other hand - as someone told me recently - “You cannot count on your expectations in life being met. They may very well be exceeded.”