Weighing In…

So, what sparked this rant off in my head is a combination of many things.  The most recent being a post on Facebook about how the HR of a company in an Arab country (not taking names) sent an email to its female employees telling them that since it was their responsibility to take care of household chores, the company was going to be “kind enough” to adjust their work hours in the month of Ramadan to make it easier for them to bear the burdens of home and work.

There were comments ranging from “this is so sexist. Most of these women have maids who take care of household chores” to “nothing wrong with cooking and cleaning, my husband would happily reverse roles with me”.

My response: No, there is nothing wrong with cooking and cleaning (and I have no patience for people who assume that homemaking isn't a difficult and rewarding job in itself). However, there is nothing wrong with women choosing to contribute in the work force and hiring help to do the household chores. Or women being the primary breadwinners while the husbands choose to be the homemakers and stay at home dads.

And since this email was sent to women in the workforce who are either equal, primary or secondary breadwinners in their households, it is ludicrous to assume that they are still the sole responsible individual in managing the house. Even if the woman is not contributing any money to the household other than paying for the maid and child care (though personally I prefer to be the primary caretaker of my children when they are too young to be in school but that is a separate discussion), it is still her choice whether she wants to stay at home and contribute directly to the running of the household, or contribute to the workforce and have her home taken care of in her absence. Every woman is different – for some it is fulfilling to cook and clean, and for others it is drudgery.

Just like some men are doctors and other artists, some women are home makers and others are rocket scientists.

In fact, going back to the last point I made, it is not even just “her home.” It is “their home” so the husband and wife should talk about what they would like to do with their lives and jointly decide who takes care of what. I don’t even like the assumption that it is the woman’s “job” to take care of the house and so if she’s not doing it, she should be the one paying for the maid and the baby sitter.

As for the popularly held belief that it is ordained in Islam for a woman to be the housekeeper, that is just not true. In fact (just paraphrasing Anse Tamara Gray who spoke at Zaytuna recently) in Hanafi madhab, it is the duty of the man to hire help to relieve the wife of household chores, and if he cannot do so he must compensate the wife because she is also doing a job. No woman is ever jobless. But she should be able to choose instead of being told what her job is, or worse being made to do two jobs.

And this brings me to the whole “super mom/ super woman” tag that drives me nuts. Yes, some women are amazing at managing their time and energy and they work full time, volunteer, cook dinner, coach their kid’s soccer team, all the while sewing curtains for their living room. I assume again that they do so because they want to, and they thrive on being achievers. Just the way some men are driven or gifted and they are CEOs or Imams who travel the world. And then there are other men who max out at their 9-5 job and then come home and nap. Nobody dreams of telling those men – why aren't you Bill Gates? Why aren't you a super achiever, why don’t you do more? It is universally accepted that it takes all kinds of men to make up the world – over achievers and normal achievers.

Yet women are continuously held to the standard of the super moms, the over achievers. As if that is the default expectation from every wife and mother. Why?

There is currently a movement in the western world for women to “lean in”. But unfortunately, for a vast majority of the world, it hasn't even reached that point yet. First, they must “weigh in”. Be a part of the discussion, before they can be a part of the decision. It amazes me how so many women, especially in eastern cultures, are still told what they can and cannot do, should and should not do.

I could go on and on, and of course people will label me a “feminist”. If I am a feminist, then my dad is a bigger one, because he’s the one who taught me to be like this. If being a feminist is another term for being fair minded, breaking barriers and not being shackled by the laws of man, only accepting the laws of God – then I am definitely one. Proud to be one, and my husband says he is proud to be married to one!