Of Lies and Truth...

I nearly promised myself that I would not write any more about being divorced, lest this blog become more like a "Coping with divorce for the Muslim Indian Woman" self-help (or self-destruction) column. But this blog is about me and what I feel and what happens in my life, so this entry must be written...

Well it finally started. The questions. And the lies. Only I don't know if they are really lies. Maybe evasions. I dunno...

All I know is that I have always been the kind of person who is painfully blunt and tediously detailed. If someone asks me how I am, they will NOT get a rudimentary "Just fine". They will be told "Been feeling like shit, its the constipation again...." or "I am great, my boss gave me a raise". So, a week ago, when this nice Paki girl I befriended at the Walgreens cashier asked me if I was married (which is like the mother of all questions where I come from), I balked and then heard myself replying "No, I'm not." When I walked to the car, my head was reeling. It seemed ridiculous that after 5 months, this question had still caught me by surprise.

At first, I was really angry with myself. Because I refuse to be a liar and a fake, and above all I refuse to be ashamed or guilty for being divorced. I KNOW that just because something bad and unfortunate happened to me, I am not a bad or wretched person, and I don't have to cover up. But then, no sooner had I started beating myself up for lying and taking the easy way out did I realize that I hadn't lied. I wasn't married, I was divorced. So I hadn't come out and said that, but I hadn't said that I'd never been married either. But this was dangerous ground I was treading, as I soon found out.

Yesterday, at one of the first social gatherings I had ventured to in a while, I had another truth-lie encounter. This girl who was married around the same time as me, came and asked me if I had moved back from Chicago. "Yes" I said, "In December". The truth. She said that my family must be very happy with my move. "Yes, it's great to be close to my family again". The truth again. Then she asked me if I was pregnant and after hearing me negate that, she hoped I would have my babies here. I could only manage a smile at that. Just about. Then she told me that she got plagued by questions all the time about if she was pregnant, and did I get that a lot too? "I used to" was my diplomatic and truthful reply. She walked away and I felt like the biggest hyppocrite in the world. I hadn't told a single lie, and I felt like the biggest liar that ever lived. Who am I kidding? I may be evading, or being technically truthful or whatever, but I am definitely acting like someone who is embarassed or ashamed of the truth of her life.

And I also realized that I have issues. A lot of issues. The smallest things to the biggest. What am I going to wear for the party? The eternal female question has become all the more complex for me. I don't want to look like a widow, but not like a virginal carefree girl either. How much makeup is too much makeup for a divorcee? I sometimes forget that those four months ever happened and find myself saying stuff like "When I get married.." or "When I have kids.." before I catch myself and trail off. And now that I am out of my depressed grieving state, I find myself cracking a joke or being merry at a party, and then it occurs to me that it is probably inappropriate behaviour for a newly divorced gal.

I tried telling this to my mom and sis, and they thought I was overreacting, being old-fashioned etc etc. But I am no backward, socially persecuted girl. I am just being realistic and fair. I know the truth about how my world operates. I knew a divorced lady at my office, and I know how it stood out more if she joked with the guys. I have a very close friend who is divorced, and I have always felt so much sympathy for her. But here I am now, and as much as I do not want to be judged or labeled, I want even less to be pitied. Please God, anything but that.

There is just no easy way out of this dilemna. When my sister tells me that I needn't worry because it is no longer such a big deal to be divorced and it is becoming so common now even in our culture - that only makes me sadder :(