Three little words...

Feb 14, 2014. Best Valentine’s day ever!!! I got the first ever in life text from my mommy and it said (among other things) “I love you”.

I felt crazily happy. Part of it was the awesomeness of getting a text from my mom, which is a pretty run of the mill thing for most people in the world today. And the other part was her saying “i love you”, which again most people, especially those in first world cultures, take for granted.

And it made me realize that deprivation, or rarity is a huge blessing in some cases. And that an abundance of good things unfortunately make us numb to the amazingness of them.

I always wished my mom was a softie like other moms. Even as I admired her incredible strength and respected her silences. She made me feel like I had to earn her approval, which made me strive to succeed (or at least appear to succeed) in her eyes. Many a times I have said noble, upright, religious things in her presence even when I didnt mean them from the heart.

We have been blessed with a child, and now as we struggle for a second - we are forced to consider the possiblity that it may never happen. Zahra might be my one-shot at being a mom. And I don't want to mess it up.

I want to strike the right balance. I want to make her feel loved but I don't want to have a child who rolls her eyes as her mom mouths “i love you” 20 times a day. I want it to mean something. I want her to feel like I love her unconditionally, but still strive to win my approval and respect by being a good human being and doing the right thing. I want to inspire her to be strong, yet comfortable enough to be able to cry in my arms.

I want her to be strong and righteous like my mom. And I want her to be loving and gentle like my khala. I want her to be funny and patient like my husband. I don't know if I want her to be like me, I would just settle for her liking me! Because honestly, unless you really screw it up, your child will love you. But if your child likes you, then you know you did it right!!