Raising kids islamically in the US
Number 1. Start early. Cultural or religious concepts are imbibed and internalized at a very early age. I am not sure if it is a good idea to wait till your child is 7 or 8, and then whip out a sudden introduction to Islam 101, or send them off to Sunday school and hope they’ll learn all there is to know about being a good muslim… They need to start recognizing and understanding their religion as a core value system at the same time as they start understanding anything else…In other words one should familiarize ones kids with the concept of an all-seeing God from the get go. Beliefs need to be rooted at a very earlier age. And don’t all behaviors stem from beliefs? One of the nicest examples I saw recently was of my bhabi rebuking her 3 year old saying “Hania that was a bad thing you did. Do touba quickly. Allah paak is seeing you behave so naughtily.” Or my brother and his wife telling Osman “Ok son now thank Allah for giving you all these great presents”. There is definitely a place for scientific and factual explanations such as “rain falls when water evaporates etc etc” but it is also a parent’s responsibility to tack on “Allah made this whole universe with amazing science and mechanisms for life etc etc”
Number 2. Identity. Kids need to identify with being a muslim, and they need to be proud of it. Having a community they belong to – mosque, friends, summer camps, activities – all that is an important part of your kids Islamic identity. And a lot of parents already have that covered. The pride part is often neglected though. You have the responsibility to make sure your kids feel that it is “cool” to be muslim. For instance, do we make a big enough deal that we have two Eids to celebrate in the year, and how cool it is to be a muslim kid who gets new clothes and presents twice a year!! If we forbid them from doing stuff (and boy there is a lot of forbidden stuff out there), are we giving them funner alternatives? Personally I don’t see celebrating birthdays as un-Islamic but for the people who do – I think it is important that you celebrate your child in other marked ways to compensate, heck overcompensate even. Tell them that every month one child gets one day which is their day – and make that day special for them. This will have the other kids at school wishing they would got special days several times a year instead of just once or twice!! Now that’s making it cool to be a muslim! Other important identity things in my opinion are Umrah trips whenever you can afford it – Makkah and Madinah are such important sites of Islamic identity, heritage, pride… Books, cartoons, and other every day stuff where muslims are depicted as normal, cool people that your kids can associate with. (I wonder if there are comics that have stories about the real-life Islamic heroes like the sahabas etc.) And most importantly, be proud and positive about being a practicing muslim yourself, talk confidently about Islam and your lifestyle to other people out there – that’s where your kid will really learn from…
Number 3. Let go a little. Don’t be Doctor Don’t to your child - “don’t do this, cant have that”. Be particular about the important things, but don’t nitpick. A wise mommy chooses her battles. Let your kids have fun, and even do some “wrong” things as long as they are not completely haraam. They are kids, and especially as they grow into teenagers, you know they will need to do some wrong stuff to feel all is right. Let them go on a road trip with their muslim friends for ISNA, heck even grumble about it so they feel that they are getting their way against your will. Kids need that. Let them stay out late as long as you know they are not in any danger. In the end, you will be more thankful than if you shut out all options, and your kids just rebelled or started lying to you. If kids feel they get so much freedom, space and trust from their parents, they will iA feel inspired to honor that trust. But draw a hard line where you need to, and that should be non-negotiable. For example, I’d like to allow my children to receive phone calls from all kinds of friends - male/female, muslim/not – but as long as it is on a home line on a phone that is in a family area. No phones in bedrooms whatsoever – hey you’ve got nothing to hide!
Number 4. Set a precedent. Don’t let your kids out in the world to interface with the outside world and multicultural people without any precedent. Have friends/activities at home and on weekends that involve different communities and give your children good examples and training on how to integrate with diverse people them without losing your identity. They need to see how you explain your religion to people and how you work harmoniously with them, because that’s what they’ll be doing too. They need to see you pray anywhere unapologetically when its prayer time. They need to see you read quran regularly so they don’t become that little boy who said to his grandma “I can’t wait till I grow up.” Why, she asked? “So that I don’t have to read quran anymore. Mommy and daddy don’t have to.” Its all about living the life you want them to live.Also, I think it’s important to instill a sense of community service and civil rights if you are fortunate enough to live in a country where you are naturalized. If we integrate deeply into the community and legal system, we can extract more respect and recognition for our rights. Hopefully we can give our kids a community where they can rally, protest, contest elections, buy certified halal products from the supermarket, and pray confidently in subway stations!
