PMPM – Project Management for a Perfect Marriage

Some might think it presumptuous of me to be writing such an article after having a failed marriage in my own experience. But does that not make me a Subject Matter Expert of sorts? So write I will…

So many of us, especially in the engineering or IT field, have a basic knowledge of project management and what it takes to make projects successful. So, it struck me as odd that we do not think of applying the same principles into what is the most important project of our lives – our marriage.

THE GOAL: How many of us establish a goal for our marriage? It is just assumed. But what is it that we assume? Do we even know what we want out of our own life? What we want out of our marriage? If we know, are we honest about it? Do we communicate it? For instance, my goal for a marriage might be that I want a friend for life. I want to give him the same respect, concern, encouragement and space that I would give to a friend. And I expect the same for him. We do so well with friendships, even when they are with the opposite sex. No male friend of mine would expect me to pick up and clean after him, iron his clothes, be his glorified maid. If I helped him out in some areas, he would reciprocate by helping me out in others. Why do we lose that basic respect for each other as human beings in a marriage then? I am not saying that the marriage should lack the love or passion or caring associated with a romantic relationship, but why should it lack the consideration, fairness and rationality that we exhibit in our friendships? And if a couple is clear about the kind of marriage that they wish to achieve, then they have set a goal. The goal may be mutual, or both might have different goals, or it might be a mixture of individual goals and mutual ones. But just imagine what a favor you will do to your marriage by setting the goals and expectations upfront. Eliminate all the frustrations and recriminations that might pop up down the line. In our professional lives, we would never dream of kicking off a project without establishing the criteria for success, objectives, goals and expectations. So how come we miss this first crucial step when it comes to marriage?

MILESTONES: As with any project, a marriage has many phases and there are various milestones that must be met for it to be operational and successful. The milestones and timelines associated with each phase must first be established. For instance, I would like the first milestone in a marriage to consist of understanding each other, having fun and traveling. This milestone holds good for say 1-2 years of marriage (timeline). Since this is my milestone, I would take the required actions accordingly. I may not become a home-owner or a mother or have a savings account for that first year or two. Then having completed that milestone successfully, I would move on to the next milestone which might be vastly different and may consist of children, savings or investments. Setting milestones is especially important in a marriage where the partners have different goals. Because the milestones then become a way of organizing and prioritizing your goals. Who says you cannot have your cake and eat it too? You just gotta decide what cake you want when. Sometimes you gotta learn how to walk a mile(stone) in your partner’s shoes.

FINANCE: Studies show that the number one cause for marriages to fail is not infidelity or incompatibility, but financial discord!! Nor surprising given that improper handling of finances would cause any project to fail, companies to go under and empires to collapse. In most marriages in the United States, both partners earn incomes, and boy there could potentially be a lot of trouble in that financial paradise. But whatever the case may be – single income families or double – managing finances would be a breeze if you established the rules. Rule #1: pool the resources. You don’t have to have a joint account to do this. Just for the sake of calculations, add your salaries or other sources of income. This becomes your capital. Rule #2: subtract all known expenses – rent, groceries, bills, etc. What is left becomes your usable capital. Rule # 3: establish budgets. This should be a percentage of your usable or leftover capital. For instance, my ideal budget might be 20% of usable capital towards household needs like furniture etc, 20% of usable capital towards a travel fund, 20% towards my partner’s unique needs (hey you want that entertainment system, you can have it as soon as your 20% adds up to enough), 20% towards my unique needs (bags, purses, whatnot, why not?), 20% towards savings (for a rainy day, kids’ education, whatever). No more squabbling over money folks! Couples looking for make-up sex will have to find their fights elsewhere.